NETTG: TEY

Written by Larry F

Art by Esa Karjalainen

July 21, 2005

Comics Editing in the Silver Millennium

Welcome to my first venture in writing an extra. Why am I doing such a thing? I just thought it might be amusing for the visitors to the site to get a peek at an example of what goes on "behind the scenes". That, and to help fill in some of the dead space this week. ^_^;;

Nuke 'Em 'Till 'They Glow!! is a cooperative effort, a concept that held true to a certain extent even when Ben was writing the primary story sequence as text-only fan fiction. He's never hesitated to admit that when people write feedback to him that has a funny line or scene in it, he's prone to incorporating it into the story with thanks to the originator.

The graphic stories are even more so. They are the result of a team effort, with many people contributing to the end result. Ben writes the majority of the scripts for both comics, but he solicits ideas, advice and critiques from his brother, Danny; the artists, Esa and Chesu; the site host, Ammon; and me. The people who post in our forums also contribute, whether or not they realize it, and it tickles all of us on the creative side pink when the forums are busy.

But Ben doesn't do all of the writing. In the sprite comics, "Filler Fridays" exist in large part as a chance for Chesu to express himself, and often he does his thing without input from the rest of us. Sometimes the rest of us also write filler or regular scripts of our own, even if it's only one panel's worth.

There's also the way I earn my title around the site. I dubbed myself the "editor" because there really isn't another title that describes what I do very well. In addition to going over the extras Ben writes and cleaning up the spelling, punctuation and grammar, more often than not, I preread the scripts before they go to Chesu to get the artistic breath of life. During the critiquing process, I don't just say "that looks good and that looks bad", I make suggestions about how to make them better.

Here's a sequence lifted from a section of the forums that most people never see: the plotline discussions. It's a restricted thread where Ben and the rest of us talk about things that may or may not become part of the comic. This is a good example of how a typical bull session goes when we're hammering out a finished script:

Benjamin A. Oliver
KISA Mk. I

Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 1015
Location: Arizona

Here's what I came up with before going to bed:

66: Midnight Snack
Queen Serenity tumbles head over heels on the shockwave of the explosion, past the blasted-in entrance to Serena's room where Terra lay.
QS: GWAAAH!
Terra (sits up): Huh? Ugh! (close-up with visual aid in a thought bubble) I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I was in bed, and was eating my pillow. What in the world could....
She looks over and there's a gigantic twitching half-picked-clean dinosaur in the corner.
Terra: ...oh. (^_^;
The deflated metroid flops onto the ground nearby, twitching its tentacles.

67: Dessert Time
Terra's picked the dinosaur clean.
Terra: Mmmm! That was great. (fork, knife, bib... faces the metroid, which is whimpering and trying to scoot away) Now time for dessert!
Metroid (holds up a sign): [Parlay?]
Terra: No, no. You have to be a galactic destroyer for that to work. (stalks closer) Besides, they're more what we call... guidelines.
UNHOLY SCREECH! SQUELCH! ROAR! SPLATTER!!!

68: Hear no Evil, See No Evil
There's all kinds of fighting going on inside the room where Terra's at, chunks of things, legs and squishy gobs flying out. The guards walk by...
Guard 1(starts to take his helmet off): You know, I wonder what things would be like if we took out helmets off for just one--(sees Terra's actions) OH MY FUNKY JUJU BEANS!! I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK!!
Guard 2(alarmed): What? Did you see something?
Guard 1(jams his helmet back on tight, running with his fellow guard in tow): No, and neither did you!
Guard 2: But the helmets--
Guard 1: THE HELMETS STAY ON!!
Terra walks out behind them, totally delighted and chewing on one of the galactic metroid limbs.
Terra: Mmmm!

69: Jokes That Need Improvement
Slightly dazed by the explosion, Laios wakes up on top of Tsunami.
Tsunami: Mmmm.
Laios: Gah!
He gets up quickly.
Laios: I apologize, Ambassador. I--
Tsunami: You did great! Now go track down that monster and finish it off.
Laios: Yes, yes, of course. (zooms off)
Tsunami (^_^): Hmm. I wonder if he'll want to come back to Jurai with me when we finally get revenge on that stupid planet-destroying monster.
Laios (>_<): I hope she doesn't ask me to go back to Jurai with her when this is over....

70: The Worst Kind of Possession
Arby and Thalia have Princess Serenity cornered.
Serena (crazed, red-eyed): I've been waiting for you! (head spins around, short ponytails flying) Mwehehehehe!
Thalia: She's possessed!
Arby (looks at Serena): No, wait. She's possessed boie 'erself!
Thalia (gasps, covers her mouth in shock): That's the worst kind!

71: Err, Self-Exorcism?
Arby: Roight. We shall 'ave tew employ drastic measures. Now, yew'z gots the droied 'shroom paste?
Thalia (puts a jar onto the floor): Check.
Arby: Froied fungus cream?
Thalia: Check!
Arby: Mouldy Mush, Bramble Bushes, n' Boinary Badgers?
Thalia (adds the items to the growing pile): Check, check, check!
Arby: Now repeat the Mystic Phrase: (everyone joins in) Jollywugs n' Pollywugs did laugh along the way, m'anderin' th' squirrels were flolloping at bay. Fairly fealty fungus fuzz floiyin' for th' fleas, n' burbling badgers bakin' herbs fer tea.
They wait and nothing happens.
Serena (evil, but perplexed): Was that... supposed to do something to me?
Arby: Nope! But sure makes ya look real silly!
Serena (fumes): Grr.
Thalia (small aside to Arby, practically non-visible): That was neat! I haven't done that since I was a schoolgirl!

_________________
Benjamin A. Oliver

"It's a lot easier if you remember that there is no mallet."

Larry F
Three Shrooms

Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 172
Location: Macon, MO

Benjamin A. Oliver wrote:

66: Midnight Snack
Queen Serenity tumbles head over heels on the shockwave of the explosion, past the blasted-in entrance to Serena's room where Terra lay.
QS: GWAAAH!
Terra (sits up): Huh? Ugh! (closeup with visual aid in a thought bubble) I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I was in bed, and was eating my pillow. What in the world could....
She looks over and there's a gigantic twitching half-picked-clean dinosaur in the corner.
Terra: ...oh. (^_^;
The deflated metroid flops onto the ground nearby, twitching its tentacles.

No point in commenting on this one since it's already been used.

Quote:

Same for this one. Since it's been so long since I could log in, I'll have to guess that Chesu has already done this up...

Or is he doing a Friday filler instead?

If so, then first point is that "parlay" is a term used in betting. "Parley" means to discuss terms with an enemy.

This has a major problem in that Terra's dialog is too cryptic. I've been a NETTG fan for years, have been editing the fan fiction story almost as long, and editing the comic strips since day one... and I have no idea what she means about "having to be a GD for that to work", or just what it is that are just guidelines. Please clarify this if it hasn't already been rendered.

Quote:

I'm of two minds about this. It's mildly amusing in itself, but it effectively closes off any chance of using the helmets as a running gag again. If you decide to go with it, then you'll ruin the joke for future panels.

A better approach might be if QS and PS recover from the explosion and wander into the room where Terra is dismembering the Metroid. Having PS get sick seeing Terra eating would be in the best traditions of NETTG, and then you can have QS say something like "How sweet. Terra's back to her normal, perky self!" or something like that as the punch line.

After PS gets royally sick (pun intended!), she can run off in a berserk state, setting up the later sequence where Thalia and Arby find her.

Quote:

Good enough. This'll do.

Quote:

No changes needed here.

Quote:

Heh.

However, it's not clear how PS's lines fit this. I'm assuming that Thalia and Arby are the ones that chant, so why would it make PS look silly?

_________________
Ja mata,
Larry F

Benjamin A. Oliver
KISA Mk. I

Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 1015
Location: Arizona

Quote:

If so, then first point is that "parlay" is a term used in betting. "Parley" means to discuss terms with an enemy.

It's a reference to Pirates of the Caribbean, where people are always asking to "Par-lay" to avoid getting killed or whatnot. I guess the proper spelling for that is "Parley." So, to keep the reference to PotC, it could go:

Terra's picked the dinosaur clean.
Terra: Mmmm! That was great. (fork, knife, bib... faces the metroid, which is whimpering and trying to scoot away) Now time for dessert!
Metroid (holds up a sign): [Parley?]
Terra: No, no. We galactic destroyers have no such rules for discussion. (stalks closer) Even if we did, they'd be more of what we call... guidelines.
UNHOLY SCREECH! SQUELCH! ROAR! SPLATTER!!!

Or, if no PotC reference is appropriate, this could work in its place:

Terra's picked the dinosaur clean.
Terra: Mmmm! That was great. (fork, knife, bib... faces the metroid, which is whimpering and trying to scoot away) Now time for dessert!
Metroid (holds up a sign): [Parley?]
Terra: You mean you want to plead for your life?
Metroid: [YES!]
Terra: Hmm... Well, you can go ahead and plead. While I eat, that is.
UNHOLY SCREECH! SQUELCH! ROAR! SPLATTER!!!

Quote:

After PS gets royally sick (pun intended!), she can run off in a berserk state, setting up the later sequence where Thalia and Arby find her.

Yeah, I kind of like this idea better. The guards are funnier when they can be properly, ignorantly aloof of things.

So, something like this...?

68: Normal, Perky Self
There's all kinds of fighting going on inside the room where Terra's at, chunks of things, legs and squishy gobs flying out. QS has found a weeping PS and is comforting her, walking in the direction of where Terra's at.
QS: There, there, you'll be all right.
PS: I'm sorry, Mother; I just don't know what got into me.
QS: Let's take you back to your room--oh my, what's going on over there?
PS (sees what's going on and is traumatized for life, wide-eyed, blanched): AAAAH! I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK!!!
QS: Oh, how sweet! Terra's back to her normal, perky self!
PS (runs off): BLEAGH!!
QS: Isn't that wonderful, Serenity? (turns around) Serenity dear...? (goes after her)
Terra walks out behind them, totally delighted and chewing on one of the galactic metroid limbs.
Terra: Mmmm!

Quote:

However, it's not clear how PS's lines fit this. I'm assuming that Thalia and Arby are the ones that chant, so why would it make PS look silly?

Good point, good point... (checks it over....) Oh, that's easy to fix. They dress Serena up in all the items they've collected, making her look rather silly.

71: Err, Self-Exorcism?
Arby: Roight. We shall 'ave tew employ drastic measures. Now, yew'z gots the droied 'shroom paste?
Thalia (puts a jar onto the floor): Check.
Arby: Froied fungus cream?
Thalia: Check!
Arby: Mouldy Mush, Bramble Bushes, n' Boinary Badgers?
Thalia (adds the items to the growing pile): Check, check, check!
Arby: Now repeat the Mystic Phrase: (everyone joins in) Jollywugs n' Pollywugs did laugh along the way, m'anderin' th' squirrels were flolloping at bay. Fairly fealty fungus fuzz floiyin' for th' fleas, n' burbling badgers bakin' herbs fer tea.
They dress Serena up in all the items they had in store while doing the chant.
Serena (evil, but perplexed): Was that... supposed to do something to me?
Arby: Nope! But sure makes ya look real silly!
Serena (fumes, burning off the attached items): Grr.
Thalia (small aside to Arby, practically non-visible): That was neat! I haven't done that since I was a schoolgirl!

Thanks for the comments, Larry! I had to think 'em over a bit before I lunged back into the mood. These scripts don't take long at all; it's just the feel has to be right to work on 'em properly.

_________________
Benjamin A. Oliver

"It's a lot easier if you remember that there is no mallet."

Larry F
Three Shrooms

Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 172
Location: Macon, MO

Benjamin A. Oliver wrote:

Quote:

If so, then first point is that "parlay" is a term used in betting. "Parley" means to discuss terms with an enemy.

This is just what I had in mind. The second version you came up with lacks flavor.

Oh, and the "par-lay" thing is a reference to the French word "parler", which means "to speak". It's a way of saying "can we talk this over?", and is probably intended to add a period flavor to the movie. The problem arises from the fact that "parlay" is an actual word.

Quote:

After PS gets royally sick (pun intended!), she can run off in a berserk state, setting up the later sequence where Thalia and Arby find her.

Yeah, I kind of like this idea better. The guards are funnier when they can be properly, ignorantly aloof of things.

So, something like this...?

The usual problem. You hit the punch line, and then keep going. That's fine when you're writing a story, but it's not good in a comic strip.

Chop this off at "PS (runs off): BLEAGH!!", and it's perfect.

Quote:

However, it's not clear how PS's lines fit this. I'm assuming that Thalia and Arby are the ones that chant, so why would it make PS look silly?

Good point, good point... (checks it over....) Oh, that's easy to fix. They dress Serena up in all the items they've collected, making her look rather silly.

71: Err, Self-Exorcism?
Arby: Roight. We shall 'ave tew employ drastic measures. Now, yew'z gots the droied 'shroom paste?
Thalia (puts a jar onto the floor): Check.
Arby: Froied fungus cream?
Thalia: Check!
Arby: Mouldy Mush, Bramble Bushes, n' Boinary Badgers?
Thalia (adds the items to the growing pile): Check, check, check!
Arby: Now repeat the Mystic Phrase: (everyone joins in) Jollywugs n' Pollywugs did laugh along the way, m'anderin' th' squirrels were flolloping at bay. Fairly fealty fungus fuzz floiyin' for th' fleas, n' burbling badgers bakin' herbs fer tea.
They dress Serena up in all the items they had in store while doing the chant.
Serena (evil, but perplexed): Was that... supposed to do something to me?
Arby: Nope! But sure makes ya look real silly!
Serena (fumes, burning off the attached items): Grr.
Thalia (small aside to Arby, practically non-visible): That was neat! I haven't done that since I was a schoolgirl!

Now, we're talkin'.

Quote:

No punch line to this one. It's straight exposition. Do we want a joke for this, or was this intentional?

It's a story chunk. A necessary link to move on to the next stage of the attack. So, no joke needed. Can't really think of one if we need one.

Thanks for the comments, Larry! I had to think 'em over a bit before I lunged back into the mood. These scripts don't take long at all; it's just the feel has to be right to work on 'em properly.

That's what I'm here for. ^_^

_________________
Ja mata,
Larry F

Benjamin A. Oliver
KISA Mk. I

Joined: 30 Mar 2003
Posts: 1015
Location: Arizona

Quote:

This is just what I had in mind. The second version you came up with lacks flavor.

Ah, okay. Well, Chesu made up the second version already, but I won't be able to post the page until later today anyway, so I'm having 'em switch the dialogue over to the first one.

Quote:

The usual problem. You hit the punch line, and then keep going. That's fine when you're writing a story, but it's not good in a comic strip.

Chop this off at "PS (runs off): BLEAGH!!", and it's perfect.

Well, at least I'm consistent and my problems are easy to spot. ^_^

Okay, so we'll chop the script off there.

_________________
Benjamin A. Oliver

"It's a lot easier if you remember that there is no mallet."

As you can see, Ben starts out by roughing out a plotline several strips in advance, then he puts it online for the rest of us to look at and comment on. I do most of the criticism, but by no means all of it. The others also throw in their suggestions at times. After the scripts are ready, Chesu works his magic and puts images to it all.

How does that work? Here's a direct quote from Ben on how the creative process goes between Chesu and him:

"Hmm… Well, what's there to say about me and Chesu? I write the script, he decides whether he likes or not, he puts it together and sends it to me, and I usually say, "Looks good!" and then I post it.

"One of the big points of the sprite comic has been to just keep on going and let the story evolve as it will. Actually, that's a lot how the original NETTG fanfic went: I made something up, others corrected it, made suggestions, asked for wild pie-in-the-sky additions, and I usually obliged. The result is a bizarre mutant storyline that, if nothing else, is quite amusing to read. And that's just fine! If we're not having fun with it, then why on Earth are we doing it? Certainly not for the money, 'cause there is none. The fame? Well, kind of. Sometimes I think I just want attention." ^_^;

Although the line comic Esa is drawing is coming along glacially, the process is much the same, except that we only get to hear from him infrequently. Usually there's a predetermined script, and sometimes the art drives the story rather than the other way around. It's all good. ^_^

The end result? That is to ask, what are we looking to get out of doing this? That's why we love it when you, the visitor, post in the forums. Those little comments about how much you enjoy the comics mean a lot to us, and knowing that we've brought a little touch of humor to your day makes it all worthwhile.

…and yeah, the ego-boost doesn't hurt.

—Larry F

February 14, 2005: Valentine's Day: 2005

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